心臓が止まって、私が生まれた ①

What Life is Not About  
I was a girl...
who would stare at dressings lost in time,
wondering what made the individual particles of oil, seasoning, water  and vinegar move as they do.
I used to shake the bottle hard to make those tiny bubbles move, first shining bright with colors as if alive, and settle.
As I watched them move and settle, move and settle endlessly, I used to wonder,
What is their destiny?
Who is it that decides where each bubbles go, or when they are to disappear, with which bubble to merge, in which layer to go?
I was a girl...
who would gaze at the clouds so lost in thought.
Gazing, marveled at how they move, with awe to the realization that eace moment will be never the same as any other moment.
The clouds would move gracefully as if guided by some force, invisible to my naked human eye.
One moment I could see a lion in the clouds playing with the willow,
another moment the white puffs would often turn into something completely different, like a fierce dragon or a gently trickling river.
 
I used to wonder what were the cause of these changes in life, in nature, of our actions.
Whether dressing or clouds, it seemed that everything had a destiny to which it sticks,
and no matter what we did, that destiny seemed immune to change.

I was a girl...
who eventually started to question my own existence, my own destiny, my own purpose of living.
As i grew into puberty, that feeling also grew and grew until I could ignore it no more.
When I was 11, I remember being confused about what I was supposed to do in my life.
So oftentimes, I just followed the expectations of my parents, or what the norm was in the community that I belonged to.
I studied hard to get into a private school, thinking blindly that if this is what so many people want, it must have a significant meaning to it,
If i got in, I might finally see glimpse of what my existence is about, right?
So it happens that I studied hard.
So it happens that I actually did get into the most challenging school in Japan.
But honestly, I couldn't find a single answer to any of my questions.

...continues to ② 

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